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Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
2:30 am

I need help. I can't sleep. I need to talk. What about - who knows. I don't no why i'm so fucked up at the moment. Haven't seen my case worker for about 6 weeks. He never phoned back. Now how am I suppose to go back?. I actually want help (for the first time in a while). Why is it when you want it - you don't get it. And when you don't want it you get it. (if you understand that). Sorry for ranting. Need to understand whats happening to me. Whats going on?. Why me?. Please help.

(P.S. sorry if you see this more than once - i've cross posted it)

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Friday, September 29th, 2006
9:37 pm - I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
shy_ga_chic Some people say that if someone comits suicide, they go to hell. Some people say that's not true. Arrrgh!!! 
I just don't know what to think anymore.

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
9:15 am

silence and sick. another ice breaking off at the tip, i've only just begun the descent. i want deep blue arms and cold teeth to wrap me up, tight. i want fever dreams to fill my head and keep me up at night. i need to feel like some of this isn't wasted. i need to feel like some of me has been tasted. i need. and i'm weak. and i know it. and i'm not complaining.

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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
4:26 pm - New here...May be triggering!!!! :(

Hello ive decided to join, anywayz my story.....right now im 16, but i was raped and abused for 7 yrs (6 to 13) I was beat by my mother (she got drunk everyday and hit me with anything) and my one uncle raped me, he used to threatin to kill me if i told anyone, and he would hurt me, and knock me out when he was raping me....so finally i was understanding what was going on when i turned 10 and i decided my mom and aunt (his wife) will believe me, so i told them,i told them at age 10 i was getting raped by my uncle and my aunt, his wife, and my mom both called me a liar and let it happen for 3 more years, this guy tried pushing me off a bridge and etc..and my mom and step dad beat me,chocked me, etc....And finally i moved in with my real dad and step mom and told them about what happend so we went to court i got interviewed....etc...and he is in jail 5 yrs w/out poll than the 5th yr he gets it longest he can be in there is 15yrs, my mom is in jail for 2-4yrs...i used to be a cutter and i have 2 disorders, depression and ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) i used to try to commit suicide, i have had counseling and now in a rape program and trying to get this all outta my system.....but 2 things i have learned is that u will NEVER forget your past, but letting other ppl kno ur past helps them cope in ways you dont know...thanks for reading...and sorry if this upset anyone...please comment...byez

current mood: nervous

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Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
5:20 pm - In the end it doesn't even matter...( X-posted)

Here I am again. In the place I so desperately run from. It always gets me though. Seeps into me as I sleep at night. Still, all I can feel is anger. Mainly at myself. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get and be fine and functon like everyone else? Why am I so weak that I can't get out of bed all day? Why does my body feel so worn when I haven't done anything?

My family doesn't help. I can't tell anyone about my pain. My family always just says "Well just forgive yourself and move on." Cause we all know my sexual abuse and everything was my fault. I'm surprised they don't believe my biological father when he said him beating me up when I was a toddler was my fault too, I know I internalized that. I just hate it. Sure I could talk about this with my therapists, both my ya know T and my academic one, she's my friend and knows all about it. But, I just don't want to. They'll just tell me to stop thinking about it or something, cause ya know thats been working so far

I keep having nightmares every night now. Which is why I avoid sleep at night I think. A lot of times they're weird. But a lot of times they're about being raped or something. I dream about the man who molested me a lot. These dreams seem to take over my whole mood when I wake, without me even realizing it. I felt so awful today. I woke up with an awful headache, stomachache, and felt so dizzy I couldn't even stand. Took me until 4pm to stop feeling like that, I just slept all day.

I just wanna be heard, but I can't.

**Great, my T's secretary just called and can't get me in until March 15th. That seems forever away**

Thats what I get for skipping my appt this week though.

I feel like I scream and scream and no one hears me. My screams can't be heard. They're all inside of me. I can't let them out. Cause then I'll just be told I'm overreacting, or just trying to get attention. No one would believe me. Just like my sexual abuse was my fault, since everyone knows when a 13-15 yr old gets taken advantage of by a 19-21 yr old for 2 years its all her fault cause she "knew better" as my mom would say. Which then means of course if it was my fault there was no need for me to cut myself for 4 years, or get heavily into drugs. Oh and those next 2 years from 16-18, yeah I deserved all that. I had it coming since I was ovbiously too dumb to get out. I deserved to get called names and be emotionally battered to the point where I beleived every word. I deserved getting burnt with lighters and slapped and getting raped, I had that coming. After all, he was my boyfriend. I had had sex with him before so he should be able to get it whenever he wants. Men are above women ya know. So I deserved it all. I was just being proven what a worthless piece of trash I was/am. I'll never be anything but trash. Cause it was all my fault and I must have liked it all and wanted it to happen cause if I didn't want it I would have stopped it from happening. Cause we all know what a freaking psychic I am. I know all. I can see into the future.

Last night I was taking a shower and my roomate, she for some reason does the dishes in the bathroom, and she had a steak knife there...all pointy. I had a huge urge to just wail on my legs with it. I still want to, it'd be nice. After all what else would a slutty piece of trash like me do besides that? I won't though. Cause then people would just look down on me more.

I just wish I had someone to talk to, like one on one. But my boyfriend's sick of hearing it all and just wants me to get better, my family, well ya know its all my fault so get over it, and anyone else who might listen I don't trust.

I hate myself. Cause I never do anything but screw everything up. I screwed myself up by not doing the right things in the past and allowing myself to get hurt, and I'm screwing my life up now by not being able to get past that and having more bad days then good. I'll never be anything but a failure. Trying to pretend otherwise is just silly. I should just sit around my room for the rest of the semester, drop out, and then go back to my abusive ex to be his victim for the rest of my life.

It's the only thing I deserve in life. If I deserved otherwise I'd be past all of this already

current mood: crushed

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Friday, January 6th, 2006
11:37 pm - Prayer needed(Cross-posted)

I'm gonna make this short. I need prayer. I'm scared for myself. Been battling depression and anxiety issues and lately I've been having more panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Anymore the thought of dying brings comfort to my mind, and seems like a good idea. But I know better...the little part of me thats still sane I suppose.

I wanted desperately this school year to get closer to God, instead I'm even farther away. I have only me to blame.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything in my life right now is fine, yet I feel like everything is crashing around me. I guess I'm just crashing in on myself. I'm no good at helping myself. Which makes sense. I've never done anything but bring pain to myself.

I pray for strength...well I would if I could bring myself to pray.

current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, December 18th, 2005
9:29 pm - hello

Hi. I guess I'm a new member of this community although some of the users look familiar. I am Katie, 21 years old and a college student at Valdosta State University. I am studying early childhood education and hope to eventually get my Master's degree in Childhood Counseling.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at a young age and have been battling ever since. I am somewhat a recoverer of self-mutilation and also have issues with social anxiety.

Nice to meet everyone.

current mood: curious

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Monday, November 21st, 2005
7:29 pm - New here

Hey. I'm Cathy, I'm 19, almost 20 years old, and a sophmore at Pitt-Bradford in Pennsylvania. Just thought I'd share what I've been through to get to where I am today.

My problems started at the very beginning on life. I was born 3 months early, most of the physical problems I had were fixable. At 4 months old I got to go home. But home wasn't a safe haven. The next 4 years I was shuffled back and forth between loving grandparents, and my abusive parents. I still have very vivid memories of the physical abuse I went through. And I also remembing their reasoning for hurting me, I was a bad girl.

I was adopted by my grandparents once they found out about what was going on. I lived in fear throughout childhood that my real dad would come and get me. Soon I decided my problems were over. Wrong.

I started being sexually abused at 13 by the pastor's son at the church we went to. I was too frightened to tell. Started cutting, attempting suicide. These problems didn't go away, even after I told at 15. Ever since then I've been dealing with depression, and lots of self hatred. I threw myself into a relationship at 16 to escape, only to be emotionally and verbally abused which didn't help my self esteem at all. At 18 I escaped is all by moving 5 hours away to college. Recently everythings come back at full force. I can't hide whats inside of me anymore. I hate myself. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I want to get through this, but I've hated myself for so long, I dont know how to not to.

I know I'm not alone, I know God is with me, and always has been. Its just so hard to stay strong. I just hope he understands why I have such a hard time talking to him.

current mood: tired

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12:57 pm - Day Four

So, not nausiated at all, a little tired, but that may be from work.

I'm getting baptized! I mean, I was "baptized" as a catholic, but the bible mentions full body, not sprinkling. I requested membership to Red House, where I've been going, and decided to do it through baptizim, and I'm so excited! My mom tried to get me to do it at her church when I still went there, but I'm glad I didn't, cause now I truely understand what it means and am doing it to please God, not my mother. I'm also joining this really nice Sunday school class.

So many changes in one week. The Lord is truly with me.

current mood: hopeful

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Friday, November 18th, 2005
11:46 am

So, these last two days have been bad. I got so angry over such little things, and I kept feeling this...emptiness? Cold? I should be content in life. I have nothing to complain about, and truely all I need is Jesus. And yet I am not content. I don't understand.

current mood: depressed

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Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
12:06 pm - Lord We Thirst For Water

Hey everyone, I'm new to this community. I am 18 years old, have genetic depression from my mother's side, and have been struggling with it ever sense. I am just looking for support and hope and knowledge that I am not alone.

current mood: discontent

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Friday, November 11th, 2005
3:30 pm

sometimes life is stupid.

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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
3:37 pm

friendly warning: this might make you hate meCollapse )

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1:22 pm

this way you don't waste your time, right?Collapse )

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Monday, November 7th, 2005
5:05 pm - lalala

this leads to really long textCollapse )

current mood: maybe i should just find some

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12:04 pm - slip-stich alternatives -or- sychronisity in statistical averages

i've been feeling down. it's this empty cold feeling in my insides. i'm pricking myself with pins(metaphorically speaking. i mean emotional pins)in the hopes of feeling something, anything. nothing. i've got nothing going on inside. not even the usual angry confusion. i bought some music and paints(again), and i've been walking and dancing and singing, but still nothing. i'm just playing at being alive.

and i've been happening onto things. now understand, i admit to being prone to delusional quasi-theories, but i'm noticing a sort of sychronisity in so called "random" events. i click random journal, and i come across the same ones out of millions. i walk down the street and find pennies in chronological order from the year they were printed. i get just the right information to make my friends feel bad when i need it most. i'm dancing the strings and the strings are dancing back, at long last. i'm back in this terrible terrible game of pulling strings to see where they lead. i'd tell you if this was good or not, but i don't believe i'm qualified to make that statement right now.

my co-workers are prying.

current mood: i 'hate' mood icons

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Thursday, October 13th, 2005
5:13 pm - the sick click. another trip to the end of the whip.

hello everyone. i've actually been a member of this community (not a participating one) for quite some time. i've just never had the time to do more than a few things on 'lj' as all the kids are calling it.

i recently left the previous community i was habiting (too harsh on dissenting opinions. too eager to make enemies.), looking for one that was a bit more welcoming. then i remembered i actually already applied for membership to a whole bunch of them with similar interests. so here i am. i hope we can know each other.

i've been feeling more and more like my old self. lots of terrible hurts in all the worst places and all. haha the story is, of course, familiar. like an old book that only repeats the same three chapters, i loop endlessly around. hatred, sorrow, emptiness. hatred sorrow emptiness. hatredsorrowemptiness. i'm just slipping back down and around the the sad part. hahahaha the slow swallow down, the perpetual joy of a gradual drown! drown frown crown that's three hah. still, it's been almost a month since i fell back down here again, but i have not yet pulled out the sharp and shinys. i have work in a public place (so very many people now... it's good the pay is high.) so that's one more lie i can tell myself. "don't do it. the red is pretty, but so is the green." that's what i say sometimes. or "something pretty inside of me, for once... but i do need a roof over me. what's the point in hastening the inevitable?" so i just keep lying.

i'm almost giddy with the thought of it. is someone on the roof? i hear them walking now.

listening to beautiful sounds again. old things i haven't heard since i was in school. old friends almost. so i'm missing the rest of them. all my friends are mostly leaving. sure, i have people i talk to, but they don't mean anything other than a convenient way to waste my time. an easy way to avoid myself. but where have all the good people i know gone? schools mostly, also so other cities in the world. but i did like them, as much as i say i hate everything. i did like them very much. and now i'm useless again. if i ever served a purpose, it was to serve as a warning to my friends. "don't stay out too late. you'll look like me. don't miss church too often. you'll see the cracks everywhere. and when you fall into one of them? you can hardly move, let alone escape." now i can't say anything.

halloween is coming soon and i still have too many nails to count.

current mood: blue and black (that order)

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Friday, June 24th, 2005
9:55 pm - continuing problem

there are very few men that I'm attracted to, in fact most of them bother me very much. Even guys who would be friends, sometimes I can't stand them. For me personality really makes or breaks a person's beauty and I'm sad to say I don't find a lot of men beautiful. I admire their strength often but I also fear it. But right now I find myself wanting to meet more women... but I'm afraid of them getting to know me and not liking who I am... I don't even like who I am. I used to be someone else in high school. Still depressed but never to the point I am now. It's tough to be social when you feel like you've got so little to give. Anybody else feel like their depression dulls their wit? I've found that at times I just can't think, even if there isn't anything I can think of to be depressed about, the energy and the thought just isn't there. Not stupid, just disabled in a way. It's so rare that I have a quick thought that betters a situation. Maybe that's why bad situations don't usually improve for me, because I can't think at the moment of how to get out of the... anyway sorry for spilling all this, it's no really helping any body else probably, I wish more people in life understood us so we didn't feel so out of place or not as good or stupid or incapable.

current mood: stiff

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Monday, May 30th, 2005
2:42 pm - hi

It looks like no one has used this journal for several months. Well, hi.

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Friday, February 4th, 2005
6:41 am - I thought this might be a good read for some of us. :)

By Joyce L. Rodgers

Aloneness and loneliness are not the same thing.

It is possible to be alone yet feel completely happy and satisfied in one's heart. But it is also possible to be lonely in a crowd. To be "alone" is to be "separated from others: isolated, exclusive of anyone or anything else." But "loneliness" is defined as "the state of being lonely, being without company, desolate, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation."

The word "alone" has more of a physical sense than the word "lonely." When one is solitary (alone), it may indicate isolation as a chosen course, but when combined with the word lonely, it "suggests sadness and a sense of loss." The word "lonely" adds to a physical solitude a suggestion of longing for companionship.

In essence, being alone does not necessarily make one lonely, and being lonely does not necessarily come because one is alone. Being alone is primarily a physical reality; loneliness is a state of mind.

Loneliness becomes a fatal distraction - something that slowly degrades the influence of God in your life and pulls you away from your destiny - when it leads to sadness, dejection and a sense of desolation that cause you to lose sight of the promise made by Jesus: "'I will never leave you nor forsake you'" (Heb. 13:5, NKJV).

You may be lacking in human companionship because of logistical factors: You may be single and have no children or may have just moved to a new city or community. But that doesn't mean you are truly alone - or that you have to be lonely. Loneliness is largely dependent upon where you are mentally, not physically.

Sometimes people are lonely but don't even realize it. We can cover up our loneliness in so many ways: by throwing ourselves into the hustle and bustle of life, filling our houses with material possessions as we pursue dollar after dollar or even busying ourselves with church work rather than kingdom work. But when it's all said and done, if we do not address the root of our loneliness, it will gnaw at our hearts from the time we lay down at night until we wake up in the morning.

The distraction of loneliness causes an echo in the soul, a reverberation of thoughts and questions that bounce around in your spirit, ultimately springing from a sense of emptiness: Does anybody see me? Does anybody know what I'm going through? Does anybody understand? Does anybody really care?

I have gone through times in my life when, even though I had loved ones surrounding and supporting me, I still struggled with a deep, profound loneliness. I don't know what caused it, but I do know that I felt it. This is the case for many people who are lonely; they often cannot tell you why they feel the way they do.

For this reason I have come to believe that loneliness is an attack of the enemy on the mind and spirit. He seeks to fatally distract you by instilling in you a sense of isolation and separation. You feel disconnected, disjointed, as though you don't quite fit in or belong.

Thank God we have a High Priest who can sympathize with our times of loneliness. All of Jesus' disciples and friends abandoned Him in the hours before He faced the cross. But Jesus had these words to say about that time: "Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own, and will leave Me alone. And yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me" (John 16:32).

Jesus' words in this passage are so very simple yet so utterly profound. In them lies our answer to the potentially fatal distraction of loneliness: We are NEVER alone, and there is no need to feel lonely, because God is with us!

If you are feeling lonely today, allow the loving hand of God to reach down into your mind, heart and spirit and drive out the feelings of isolation that plague you. Elevate your mind above your circumstances and realize that a true sense of connection and completeness will never come from factors outside you; it can come only from within you.

Stop seeking fulfillment and identity from external sources, especially from other people, for disappointment often causes retreat - and isolation and loneliness will soon follow. Embrace the will and plan of God for your life, and let your wholeness come from Him in whom there is no lack, only inexhaustible supply.

Adapted from "Fatal Distractions" by Joyce L. Rodgers, copyright 2003. Published by Charisma House. In this book, evangelist Rodgers discusses different types of roadblocks the enemy puts up to try to keep us from our destinies - and shows us how to sidestep them.

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